On Parents…

My younger sister came to spend New Year’s Eve with me. It was our second annual weekend-long sleepover. It wass also the second New Year’s Eve since our parents’ divorce.

This year, things are different than they’ve been before. Life is a little more real, and somehow more surreal. At this time one year ago, mom and dad weren’t even officially divorced yet.

As the dust has settled since our parents split, Kelsey (my sister) and I have found ourselves able to discuss their individual situations more openly and freely with each other. Last night, we talked about our father and his impending financial doom and our mother and her all too messy love life for a 43-year-old.

Let’s start with the good news, mom’s complicated boy situation.

Recently, a friend asked me, “How does it feel to be in a more stable relationship than your mother?”

Pretty darn weird, actually. I’ve been going strong with my boyfriend for close to a year and a half and there are no signs of us letting up anytime soon. However, giving my own mom relationship advice is about the last thing I ever expected to happen in this lifetime. Watching her date has been a very strange, yet enlightening, experience.

I’ve learned that approval is extremely important. In fact, it’s so important that my mom wanted me to meet both of her boyfriends so she could choose which one to break things off with. Parental approval of my significant others has always been a must in my relationships but, I never realized that it could go both ways. I mean, my parents’ favorite answer to the question “Why?” growing up was always “Because I said so.” No further explanation needed. I guess I didn’t think things would change when they started dating.

Boy have they.

Every time I call my mom she updates me on where her relationships stand and asks for my advice about what to do next. Not really my favorite position to be put in, but what else can I do? Surprisingly, the whole thing has taught me to be a lot less selfish.

Earlier this month I graduated from college. My dad wanted to bring his girlfriend to the ceremony, where my mom’s parents, siblings, and bother/sister in-laws would be in attendance, and I had to say no. When I gave him the verdict, my explanation was this;

“Unfortunately, we’re in a situation now where things that would have been about me aren’t anymore. They’re about everyone. The goal here is to make the most people as happy and comfortable as they can possibly be. As much as I would like her to come, I have to consider the feelings of everyone there, not just me or you or her.”

For some reason, this same thinking didn’t apply to my mom until a few days before Christmas. A guy called while she was showering and for some reason it really pissed me off. When she was done I told her he called and proceeded to scold her about her dating habits. I made her cry. I felt terrible.

Unlike graduation, I didn’t look at the bigger picture before I acted. I was only looking at myself, what made me feel better. Sometimes we have to sacrifice our own comfort for others happiness. If that’s what she wants who am I to stop her? In the long run, no irreversible harm can come from it so I’m going laissez-faire on this one. And slowly but surely, I’m learning to put others before myself — all the time.

Now on to the bad news.

Since my parents split up, my dad has been digging himself into a financial hole. Although not self-admitted, I can sense the mound of credit card debt piling up as he delves deeper and deeper. Watching a parent struggle financially has got to be one of the most gut-wrenchingly stressful things I have ever endured. Money may not buy happiness, but it sure does make the world go round. Knowing that my dad is (not really) scraping by is scary.

I guess it would be easier if I knew that he was doing everything he could to improve his situation, but I know he isn’t. He spends a lot of money on things he doesn’t need and goes months without buying the basics. My sister worries that he won’t be able to afford feeding her since she was required to start a gluten-free diet for health reasons. We need to talk, but how are you supposed to talk to a parent about this stuff? I feel like it should be the other way around.

Mom and Dad are people too. As kids, we learn to put them on a pedestal. They are the bright and shiny example of how we should live our lives. Once we become adults ourselves, however, it’s a lot easier to see their struggles. I suppose, in essence, I’ve learned that I’m not the only one who needs parenting sometimes.

To Love or To Leave

Yesterday a high school classmate of mine opened up on Facebook about the reason for the recent end of her relationship. She posted a link to this video by the One Love Foundation and it got me thinking. How many women have been/are in a situation just like this one?

A whole heck of a lot, actually. 1 in 4 women will experience domestic violence in their lifetime. Just think, 1 out of every 4 women you know has gone through, is going through or will go through this experience.

The One Love Foundation was founded to help young women who are victims of domestic abuse and violence. Before I saw the video above I had actually seen this one, also created by One Love, about a year ago and was brought to tears.

Last May, I got out of a relationship very similar to ones depicted in these videos. But it wasn’t until I saw them that I realized what was actually happening. Something about my relationship never felt quite right but the words abuse and violence had never even crossed my mind. It was shocking to see my own experience labeled so easily and obviously.

Domestic abuse is one of those things where you tell yourself…

“I’m too strong to ever let that happen to me,”

“I’d never date a guy like that,”

“If it does happen I’ll just leave.”

That’s what I used to think, but it’s not that simple.

The men who do this are sweet, kind, perfect gentlemen. At least for a little while. For me, it took two months before my partner started showing signs-signs I didn’t recognize. First it started with insecurity about my exes. He didn’t want me anywhere near them, deleted their numbers from my phone and even told me he wished that I was still untouched (if you catch my drift). By the six month mark he was threatening to hurt himself if we ever broke up and shoving me during arguments. This is when I finally decided enough was enough.

Breaking up was hard, but necessary. Things were starting to escalate to a level I knew was dangerous. I feel lucky to have had the opportunity and support to leave my relationship when I did. A lot of women don’t. These men take over your life, burn all your bridges, leave you with no one but them to turn to.

The best piece of advice I can give to someone in this situation is to do whatever is takes to get out. Confiding in someone can be hard but sometimes that’s the only way to get the help we need. Even at my serving job, I had plenty of coworkers willing to lend a hand or even offer me their home until I knew I would be safe. No matter what you’ve been led to believe, there are people out there who care about you, who would rush to your aide if they knew what you were going through. There is always someone to turn to or a number to call.

You are not alone.

For more information about domestic abuse, resources for help and how you can get involved visit One Love’s website.

Finding Confidence When You Really Don’t Want To

Life is stressful. We all know that, however, sometimes it can be extremely stressful. Currently, I’m facing one of those  extreme periods in my life. I won’t bog you down with the details, but let’s just say life has left me feeling a little less than confident lately.

On this blog I’ve tried to emphasize how important feeling comfortable and confident with who you are is to being stylish. I also realize how hard (and impossible) it is to feel that way 100% of the time. Sometimes, you may feel so crappy that even when you want to find your confidence again, you’re so unmotivated that all you do is lay in bed and binge on YouTube and Netflix (totally not talking about myself here). So, how do you overcome self-doubt and dejection when you have absolutely no will to participate in everyday life?

First, you get out of bed. Whatever it is that’s keeping you there, put it away, shut it down, shut if off. Go brew a cup of coffee, wash your face, do the dishes, whatever it is that gives you a reason to put those two feet of yours on the ground instead of your mattress. These simple tasks may not be super important in the grand scheme of things but they get you up and moving. It’s amazing the wonders just a little movement (and caffeine) can do for your spirit.

Next, get dressed. I promise this isn’t actually “How to Get Ready in the Morning” disguised as a post about confidence. Even if you’re just changing from one pair of sweats to the next, putting on a new outfit will help you feel refreshed, and ready for a new day.

These first two steps are really just precursors to the final and most important tip I have for you; DO SOMETHING YOU LOVE.

For me that’s blogging. I love to write and I love the idea that my words (these words!) could help someone who’s been struggling too. Whatever it is that you love or enjoy, just do it. It’ll make you feel so much better. You may be unsure, anxious and stressed about everything else going on in your life but at least there’s this one thing that you can feel confident in. Finding confidence in a single aspect can change your outlook on so much more. It has for me today and I hope it does for you too.

Let me know in the comments below any tips you have for finding confidence and tell me if any of my suggestions worked for you!